With Love

I cry out into the night, bitter thoughts they choke my mind... sometimes I feel so all alone, lost and helpless hurt and blind. Restless sleep comes over me and a golden light appears... the voice of music speaks to me, but not into my earthly ears. It says, "lay down, rest your soul, the universe around you rings, I have come to take you home, bear you up on angel wings." Up we go into the night...

Often in my life I have found that the days seem to march by so quickly without my notice or reverence to the date or time or day of the week that they are gone long before we can stop to say hello. This summer in particular the days and the time seemed to disappear from right under my feet... after each month I couldn't seem to recall where the days had gone or how we had moved so quickly onto the next month. The numbers on the pages of my calendar seemed to fly by so quickly that I could never seem to keep up. Today however, forces me to pause and take a long deep breath…remembering the moment, remembering the day, remembering the date. Here in South Africa more than ever I am reminded to pause more often in my life. I seek to take more deep breaths in… to take the time to breathe in the beauty of each day we have here in this miraculous place.

In a seven day period we lost two children on the Oncology/Hematology ward (G1). On Wednesday the 1st of September, the first day of spring, one of my boys passed away in the night. Just a week later another girl passed away early on the morning of 8th. In the short time that I have been at the Red Cross, I have learned more about the importance of family than almost anything else. I am reminded daily of the importance of love here. The children, the mothers and the staff on each ward create their own family here… one mother told me that she arrived alone and afraid but in time has come to realize that she is not alone but rather surrounded by the love and compassion of those around her. In reflection of the most recent passing and her time on the ward another mother said, “I know that he is looking down at us right now and smiling. He will watch over us all from now on. As time passes me by I have been shown a whole new world which I never knew existed. This is a life experience which no one else can share with you outside of the ward. We have met new people and become a family. The only concern I have now is going back home.”

The mothers here wander from room to room and bed to bed, taking on the children who are alone or upset as their own. Sometimes I must say it has been hard for me to even figure out which mother belongs to which child… but that in itself is the beauty of it. The children here have an unbreakable community of mothers watching over them every day while they play and every night while they sleep. The mothers have an unbreakable community of sisters to lean on in times of loss and pain.


When I first arrived at the Red Cross I was startled to see that on each ward there were rooms filled with at least two but often six children or more. Only when a child is placed in isolation are they given their own room. At first the laundry list of reasons why this could be considered horrible treatment runs through your mind, sanitation and privacy being at the beginning of that list. Beyond those though there seem to be countless reasons why you just can’t or rather why you just don't simply lump a whole group of children that are ill in one room. Why can't they see that? But then again who are they? Who am I? Coming from the states... with my western mindset so deeply instilled in me... sanitation and privacy seem to be number one and number two on my list. But then again, not every hospital has the support, money, or funding required to provide services such as private rooms for every child in the hospital. That extra funding is simply not available here. But from this lack of privacy, that lack of isolation grows an intricate web of relationships possible only because of the structure of the hospital. Because the families are all together, mothers and children alike are able to create these bonds of friendship with each other; they are able to become a support base for one another even if they are only five years old.


"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I’ll always be with you.” -Winnie The Pooh